It is probably not a coincidence that some of my favorite movie and TV scenes involve cardboard boxes.  It’s probably some great, cosmic subliminal message.  What probably happened was that aliens took over a long time ago because they discovered that cardboard boxes are the best form of nutrition for them and so now they put it in everyone’s minds and all of humanity has succumbed to this lifestyle of producing and hunting down cardboard boxes that we then put in a giant pile that the UFO can come and suck them up through laser beams and whatnot.  But I am getting so distracted, and a little paranoid, by all of this talk about aliens and UFOS.  That is simply another topic for another day.

Two of my all-time favorite “cardboard boxes” themed scenes are from that TV show with Steve Carrell, The Office.  The first one is from the first season, which is definitely an awkward season (I mean, what first seasons aren’t awkward to some extent, right, as everyone is trying to figure out what the characters are like and what the show even feels like to begin with, you know?).  In the show there is this continuous rivalry between two of the salesmen, jaded youngster Jim Halpert versus the ridiculous and overly-confident Dwight Schrute, who also just so happens to be a beet farmer.  Anyway, long story short, Dwight agrees to being sealed in a cardboard box, amongst a bunch of other cardboard boxes in the warehouse, because he thinks he is going to spy on a secret conversation between some other coworkers, which was just a ruse so that Jim could put Dwight in a box for hours.  Super sad, but super hilarious at the same time.

I know it might seem a bit like overkill to rely on two scenes from the same show, but the second scene is even better and comes much later in the series, which was fortunately a lot less awkward.  In this particular scene, three of the most notoriously lame guys of the show (the boss, the beet farmer, and another tagalong who fancies himself a crooner) are running around outside practicing parkour.  This is because they had been watching YouTube videos.  Well, one of them chooses to jump off the side of a short garage on top of a refrigerator box, but it turns out said efrigerator box is empty and he falls right in.  So the last thing you hear before he hits the ground is, “Parkour!”  Once again: super sad and super hilarious.

As continued from part one…

And so Trey found himself in the backyard shed of the distant cousin of one of his great-grandfather’s nephews.  The shed was piled high with cardboard boxes, and inserted with no pattern whatsoever were ones labelled “Augustus”, which was his great-grandfather’s name.  And were the ones he was after.  So, with not a little griping and moaning, and even some consideration of bailing on the research, Trey got to work extracting the right boxes, and then restacking all of the others.  By the time he had sifted through them all and, essentially, cleaned out the distant relative’s shed, it was getting on to dinner time.  He dropped down onto the grass and wiped the sweat off his brow with what he thought was as handkerchief and later discovered to be a really fuzzy leaf.  A fuzzy leaf that left a trail of itchy bumps across the top of his face.  But that wasn’t until later.

Trey began to go through the cardboard boxes, and most of the contents were either completely obscure and useless, or trash altogether.  However, there was one item that stood out to Trey, and it was a book labelled Dictionary.  Now, there is nothing about a dictionary that would seem to require any second thoughts whatsoever, but it was the fact that there were no other books, or papers with more than a couple scribbles of Augustus’ handwriting. A man that appeared to have no interest in reading or writing would surely not care about the correct spelling or pronunciation of any words.  Sure enough, Trey peeled back the front cover to this book titled “Dictionary” and found a compartment.  In the compartment was a tiny, silver handgun.  It didn’t take an expert to recognize that it was an old piece of equipment, and well worn.

Trey felt a little shiver go down his spine and come out his left big toe.  He looked up and scanned the other cardboard boxes before looking back down at the little pistol.  He was in a state of bewilderment.  Not really sure that he had actually discovered it, or that it hadn’t just been dropped into his lap by a bird passing by.  It was because it’s presence meant there might be some clout to the ridiculous story about how Augustus had been a pirate.  Or maybe it was the reason the whole story had been fabricated.  Whatever the case, Trey knew that he had to find out.

When Trey first heard about his great-grandfather, he was wide-eyed and full of awe and wonder.  That was because he was a child.  When he got a bit older he began to be filled with skepticism, and when he reached adulthood he flat out no longer believed any of the stories.  You see, the family lore was that Trey’s great-grandfather, a man by the name of Augustus, had once been a notorious pirate.  The story still went that Augustus’ ship and crew still existed, although they had obviously updated with the times, but no one had ever been able to track them down.  Augustus had been dead a long time now.  He came home one night with a gash that went clean through his stomach, and he claimed it was from a duel he’d had with a rival pirate.  Although the hospital confirmed that the injury did, indeed, come from a sword, the rest of the story was unlikely at best.

Upon Augustus’ death his belongings were packed up into cardboard boxes and disbursed amongst the homes of his children.  His wife had been dead for a good fifteen years before him, and there was no one else to do make sure that the job was done correctly.  Most of those cardboard boxes got stacked up in attics or put out in garages and were completely forgot about.  Augustus’ offspring felt too guilty to throw anything away, and so neither did they search for anything to cherish, either.

All good adventure stories happen when the main charactergoes to stay with some distant and weird relative for part of, if not all of, summer vacation.  This one does not.  Mostly because at this point in time Trey is an adult.  However, he does wind up going and staying with a distant and weird relative for a short period of time, because he got wind that they still had some of the cardboard boxes labeled “Augustus” and, even though he didn’t believe that his great-grandfather had once been a swash-buckling villain of the sea, he was a journalist and the family history smacked of a good story, true or not.  Most good adventure stories usually take place in some mistyold town somewhere in the United Kingdom.  Once again, this one does not.  In fact, it takes place in the MidWest, which is about as generic as you could possibly get.  But, hey, the facts are the facts.

To be continued…

The Guinness Book of World Records is just a tad bit weird, right?  I mean, is anyone with me on this one?  From the depressing to the disgusting to the downright macabre and/or pointless, it is chock full of records that someone has broken either intentionally or unintentionally.  From how many people are wearing a pair of antlers on their head at the same time, to how many soda cans someone can stick onto their body, to the longest tongue, to the oldest person to ever get a tattoo, the list is absolutely endless.  If you have a notion that you can set a record, all you have to do is visit the Guinness World Records website and hit the “set a record” button.  The rest is history.  Or is it?

Some things may be hard to believe, like the fact that the oldest Holocaust survivor is one hundred and twenty-two years old (what?!?), but would you believe me if I told you that packaging boxes are the face of your business?  If you deal primarily with shipping items, than it’s safe to say that your website is someone’s first impression.  If it looks like it took two minutes and basically no skill to set up your online domain, more than likely a peruser will just click off and search for someone else.

Brown cardboard box

If you use second hand packaging boxes to send your wares, your customer will probably assume you are cheap and that surely whatever you have to offer will be cheap.  If you are willing to cut corners on first impressions than you will more than likely cut corners on what you are trying to provide.  Surely it makes sense that when face-to-face interaction is not part of a shopping experience (i.e. online and in a box), the parts that someone does come into contact with should be taken seriously.  Don’t ever assume that someone will consider you to be a savvy businessperson simply because you had the “foresight” to reuse packaging boxes.  My dad always said that you could paint a piece of you-know-what gold, but that doesn’t change what it really is or where it came from.  So take that to heart when considering all of the little ins and outs to your company.

Would you believe that someone just came across the oldest message in a bottle ever to be found?  Sent out in 1906 as an experiment, it didn’t make it to shore or the hands of another human being until 2015.  Now that is the kind of World Record I’m interested in.  You can keep your most-grapes-eaten-in-one-minute…

My best friend and I are always mailing boxes to each other.  She started the trend by sending me a care package after I moved away from San Diego and no long had access to some of my favorite stuff anymore.  It seems that no matter where I live, it is never by a Trader Joe’s.  And I have lived in the South, the Midwest, the West Coast, and New England.  The irony is that most people I know have access to multiple Trader Joe’s, and I have to drive about two hours to get to one.  Since my best friend can literally walk to hers in less than ten minutes, she often surprises me by sending me some goodies in the mail.

One of our unspoken stipulations about this mutual process of mailing boxes back and forth is that we spare no expense.  We really go all out.  Because if we are going to do it, we might as well do it right, right?  Right!  For instance, we have been known to include a stack of t-shirts, our favorite movies that we watch every time we see each other, so both of us need to have a copy.  We send Justin Bieber valentines and homemade crafts.  There is nothing so wonderful as when I come home from the store, or some other crazy outing with my two crazy toddlers, and I see a box sitting on my front stoop.  Could it be?  Wait for it…Wait for it… It is!  And then I’m shoving my kids out of the way and ripping through the cardboard with my teeth.

Recently, we both gave up junk food for Lent.  We frequently lamented to one another over the 40 days about how much we missed our favorite snacks.  She promised that when it was all over she would send me my favorite stuff from Trader Joe’s.  And did she ever.  A Cinnamon Coffee Cake with the crunchiest crust and the moistest of middles.  Hazelnut cookies put together like macaroons, and boxes chocolate peppermints and fruity, gummy sugar crusted squares.  A box of madelines to dip in coffee, and even hot sauce for my husband.  The best part was the stuffing, which was wadded up newspaper, but in the middle of the wads were bottles of nail polish, of my favorite colors.  I sent her a text that said: I don’t think anyone in the history of the world has ever gotten a box as good as this one.

And it’s true.  So even though the time for New Year’s resolutions has passed, it’s not too late to start a new.  Try mailing boxes to people you love, full of things that you know they love, and you just might get one in response…

Contrary to popular belief, bigger is not always better; you know what I’m saying? People can tell you that it is, that you are getting more for your money, so to speak, and all that jazz, but if you are dealing with something smaller it goes without saying that bigger will just be bad…or at least a waste. Since we are talking about small items that need to be shipped (that is what we are talking about, right?), it would behoove us to talk about small shipping boxes.

Could a shoe box become part of this category? Absolutely it can. In fact, it should. Converting shoe boxes into small shipping boxes is just the thing we are looking for these days. This is called recycling, and it’s become really popular, with good reason too. Throwing something away that could easily be used for a different purpose just plain old doesn’t make any kind of sense. Don’t be embarrassed to mail some books off in the same box you got your snakeskin stilettos in (just make absolutely sure you didn’t forget to take the receipt out so that no one discoveres how much you spend on your shoes, and how much you don’t spend on anyone for Christmas and birthdays…That could quickly become a Facebook scandal…).

How small is too small? I get this question a lot. The general rule of thumb seems to be this: big enough to write the recipient’s address, your return address, and to include the packaging label/ barcode. And all on the same side. The crew will not consider it a neat game if they have to turn the package every which way to try and get the different pieces of information. If the box does wind up being too small you will be encouraged to put it in a larger box, or in a bubble envelope. You should want to do this anyway because the odds of something that small getting lost in translation are very high indeed.

Post offices and shipping stores in general often carry a variety of small shipping boxes. They also carry anything else you might need, like cardboard cylinders for posters, and boxes with balloons on them to act like wrapping paper, and tape and labels and, if you are lucky, shredded paper for stuffing. There is always something to fit your needs. The point is, don’t try to overdo it. There are enough options out there for you to find the size you are looking for.

Cardboard storage boxes are quickly taking the front seat when it comes to organizing and storing. There are several reasons for this. At the top of the list is a two-in-one: you can buy the “paper” version in bulk, and at a fraction of the price for the “plastic” version. This is the route that a lot of businesses take, specifically for this reason, and it seems that the common household has caught on to the secret.

Of course the largest complaint is that cardboard is not nearly as durable as plastic, and no one would argue that; but when using a proper technique the cardboard storage boxes will last just as long, if not longer, since they would have been treated well from the beginning. I know for myself that I used to buy the biggest plastic totes and bins that I could find, and stuff them full and stack them on top of each other until they were bowing and bending and the lids couldn’t fit properly anymore.

Once I heard about the “paper” system, I started at the first step: shelving. I know people who have gone all out and bought some serious-business wire systems (because that’s exactly what they were. Elaborate systems that required some pretty specialized tools and YouTube videos to put together). Apparently the more frustrating something is the more expensive it is, too, because they were spending upwards of four hundred dollars per unit.

Well, my husband and I decided to go with the old tried and true method and we bought some boards and nails from our local home improvement store. (We didn’t even need to use a handsaw because someone had given him a circular one for his birthday last year.) Within a couple hours, and for about a tenth of the cost, we had constructed a really decent set of shelves. We were then able to maximize the space using the cardboard storage boxes, which fit together like a perfect solid wall.

Once the boxes have all been packed, it would behoove of you not to forget the second crucial step: labeling. Do not blow off this part of the process as something only Type A people need to do. Properly labeling the cardboard storage boxes will keep you from needing to mess with more than the box you are looking for, thus greatly minimizing the wear and tear (both on the boxes and your body). So be sure to write the contents on an index card, put it in an envelope and tape it to the front of the box.

If you would have told me that my life would change because of a cardboard box, I would have definitely scoffed and rolled my eyes.  I would have chocked it up to the human propensity for melodrama, or at least the Western need for it.  And if this hypothetical situation had actually taken place, what with you telling me this and with me making fun of it, the next part would have been that it really did happen.

That my life really did change because of a cardboard box.  Only no one prophesied it, and I never had the chance to scoff at said prophesy, it just happened.  It was Christmas Eve, and I opened my front door, and there was a cardboard box.  I wasn’t expecting anything from anyone, and it was nighttime besides, so the likelihood of deliveries being made that late in the day, and on the day before Christmas, was pretty slim indeed.

So when I looked down and saw it, I had this ludicrous thought that Santa had come.  Of course I don’t believe in Santa, because I’m an adult, and because the entire concept is just plain weird, but in the randomness of the moment this is what my brain produced as a plausible explanation.  Quickly, I shook the thought out of my head and swore to never tell a soul.  How embarrassing.  It didn’t take long for the daydream to fade away completely when the box started moving.  And crying.  I say again, the cardboard box even started crying.  I looked around quickly.  Was anyone nearby?  Was anyone running down the street?

Was anyone hiding on the side of the porch trying to film my stupid facial reactions?  The coast seemed to be clear, and it was freezing cold, so I didn’t want to leave whatever was in the box exposed any longer.  I took it right inside, because if it was only a tape recorder wrapped in a towel I wasn’t going to give whomever the satisfaction of recording my grimace.

I set the package on the table, and took a couple deep breaths before getting up the nerve to open it.  Sure enough, it was a baby.  And the letter I found, warm to the touch by the heat from his small body, said that he was mine.  My son.  Just like that, my life changed because of a cardboard box… Best. Christmas. Ever.

You know that old joke about how kids love the cardboard boxes that the new toys just came in, more than the actual plaything? Well, it’s actually not so much a joke as it is an irony slash scientific fact. In fact, it is so ironic that Alanis Morissette should have found a way to include it in her song of the same word- although I admit it is of difficult phraseology, and she probably wanted to but couldn’t figure out how to make it translate. Anyway, the fact remains, and Alanis’ song didn’t suffer for lack of trying.

To be honest, my husband I often take new toys out of the cardboard boxes and assemble them before giving them as gifts. To our own kids, that is. This is because it is really annoying when you give your kid a gift and they freak out and want it out of the box immediately, which is physically impossible. It’s actually impossible to get a new toy released and put together in any time under an hour, regardless of size, shape, or style. So, after the kids are in bed, we put on some tunes, pour some gingerale, and put those babies together. The next day they can set right in without anybody getting flustered, and when they discover the boxes their joy is truly complete. I have held onto cardboard boxes for months because the kids consistently played with them. Until they were becoming shredded and torn, and I began to find pieces of it all over the house.

This is part of the dilemma around the holidays. The kids are going to be opening these awesome looking presents, and all of those presents are going to be completely inaccessible without the select and amazing skills of Mom and Dad (“How bad do you want me to open this?…Just kidding!…But not really…”). Whereupon Mom and Dad will use the utmost care to open the cardboard boxes and A) save them for a rainy day, B) save them for spring cleaning, or C) save them to use for all of that other trash paraphernalia. More than likely, if the box is big enough it will also be taken to the toy room, considered an actual present.

In closing, don’t you hate it when you go to open a gift from your in-laws or your grandma and you see this brightly colored box, for perhaps a tablet or a laptop, but inside is actually an antique plate wrapped in newspaper and they just so happened to have rescued the box from your neighbor who was throwing it away? “Oh, Grandma, it’s perfect!”

Saying “cardboard boxes for sale” makes me think of New York in the 1920s, when little boys in apple caps and suspenders were running around hollering, selling newspapers. Except I imagine a different scene, where the little boys don’t have newspapers under their arms, they have a stack of cardboard boxes. “Cardboard boxes for sale, here! Get your box for a buck!” they would shout at you as you passed. How convenient would that be? Pretty stinking convenient, if you ask me. Buying boxes at department stores, for resale prices, will just about break the bank.

And you always wind up needing more than you think you will need, so you always wind up spending more than you were planning on spending, and the whole thing begins to feel like a downward spiral. It would be really convenient if those people standing on the side of the road, the ones holding the signs, were actually selling cardboard boxes. I suppose that the next best thing is this website that has cardboard boxes for sale in bulk, at wholesale prices. It’s called PackagingSupplies.com, and it’s amazing. There are literally hundreds of sizes to choose from, and you can spend like twenty dollars on a bundle of fifteen or twenty.

So I guess we don’t really need little paper boys running around the streets, we can just go online and get what we need from PackagingSupplies.com. You don’t even have to get out of your car! I mean, it doesn’t get much easier. And since the boxes come in bundles, you could buy a couple of different sizes and store them in the basement or the garage to keep on hand and be taking up very little space, which is a bonus. It’s really inconvenient to need a box and not have one around, and its just as inconvenient to try and stash old boxes because you either can’t break them down, or the integrity gets so compromised that when you go to use them you have very little hope of it making out to your car, forget about all of the way to Montana through the hustle and bustle of the United States Postal Service. I guess I’ll just stick to getting my boxes at PackagingSupplies.com, because I can also get the packaging tape, and I can even get a pack of garbage bags which I keep forgetting to get at the store.